Dragon Juice….

Nothing to write about, just mindless doodles making their way through my notebook’ pages. No one to write about because I’m practically sick of all of them. Same old story told so many times makes me want to go deaf. I’m still sailing on this sea of emptiness and the loneliness is making me seasick. I hope rescue is on his way. I hope the currents take him to my direction. I hope the waves don’t eat him. I hope he doesn’t get lost or pass by without me knowing. I hope he finds me while I’m still alive. I hope he revives my barely beating heart. I hope he can pull me away from this sea and help me find the solid ground that I’m longing for. But then again, I can only hope…

Of rain and the L word

I don’t know what I find romantic about rain. Maybe it’s the unpredictability of it. We do have weather reports to tell us when it will probably rain, but most of the time they just make our arms tired at the end of the day because of carrying that heavy umbrella. You wear clothes that will protect you in case the rain comes, but you end up sweaty because the stupid rain didn’t come. There are times that the rain does come, it’s during those days when you get out of the house wearing summer clothes and when you forgot to bring your umbrella with you. You arrive home, soaked and creating a mess on the floor and if you’re really lucky you are the big winner of the fever courtesy of your old friend – rain.

I don’t know why the rain is so pleasant for me. Maybe because it gives a fresh feeling after the tattletale humidity that announces its arrival. The rain looks so pretty whenever I watch it from my room’s window. I stick my hand out and feel the cold water heaven has given me. It tickles as the water kisses my palm and gives the fresh feeling that I have longed for during the warm humid days. As a child, I longed to play in the rain. But because of my twin, Asthma, I couldn’t. My mother would not allow me, out of fear that my weak lungs would not be able to take the chill. I was afraid of my mother so I never went out when she told me not to. I just sat there, eyeing the other kids enviously as they jumped and danced under my most admired rain. I grew up just wondering what it would have been like if I just risked going out to play with my pretty rain, would it be worth the fever?

I grew up and had the chance to pretend that my lungs were finally strong enough to take on the cold. I danced with the rain, every drop fills my heart with happiness. At last, I would no longer be asking what other people felt like when they dance under the rain, I felt it first hand! It felt as if every drop was sent to tickle me, make up for the times it wasn’t there to comfort me. Time stretches to an eternal happiness of a soothing cold comfort brought by the rain. A heavy heart that I have carried all my life was enjoying swimming in all that joy. I felt free, I felt like I could do everything, anything. Then suddenly, the rain stopped. There was a loud scratching sound announcing my arrival to planet Earth. I soon realized that the scratching sound was my mother’s voice calling me to get inside. I got sick that night, I was the lucky one to catch the cold. I got nagged at that night and the morning after but it was all worth it.

Love is a lot like the rain. Unexpected, uninvited, refreshing, beautiful, but after the seemingly eternal happiness, you get sick.

I was always curious how real love felt. I wonder how princesses felt when they finally meet their prince charming. I wondered if by fate I will meet the one for me even if we leave it all to chance, serendipity was a movie for hopeless romantics, (whatever you do, don’t watch it when you’re alone in your apartment!). You’ll end up thinking that there’s this perfect love out there for you, just waiting to happen. Some of us are shrews, difficult, untamed, and solitary. Waiting for that someone to dig us up from our burrows and help us get used to the light. Other movies like If Only helps us realize that in love one of you has to die. Just kidding, now back to the rain…

It’s fun while it lasts so enjoy every minute of it. I miss it when it’s gone but just as I get over the feeling, it comes back rushing, pouring, filling me with this weird confusing sensation that is so good I could drown in it.

You can’t stop the rain from leaving. Even if you want it to go on forever, it has got to stop at some point. Too much is harmful. Too much can make you sick. When the rain leaves, you’ll miss it. However, you should keep in mind that it will come back, maybe not soon enough, but it will. Just when you’re back to your old routine, just when you’ve learned to live without it, it comes back.

It will seduce you to come out of your roof’s comfort and flirt with it. It will sing, dance, and play with you – only to leave you cold and shivering. You’ll get sick, get well, just to be sick again.

The rain is addictive. I have been about the rain, attracted to the false peace and glee that it projects. I went out there, giving in to the temptation only to end up sick. Yet after recovering from the illness, I long to go out there again. Hoping that maybe next time, I won’t get sick. Maybe on the next rain my immune system would be tough enough to keep me from falling ill from the rain’s after-chill. Maybe next time, it will be my rain. The one that will make me happy as long as I live. Maybe the next rain will give me the forever that I long for. Maybe I’ll drown before that happens. Maybe. Maybe not.

Kung kelan natutunan mo nang mahalin ang tag-init biglang uulan.

Ganun talaga, dapat inaasahan na rin nating mangyayari ang mga ganito. Ilang beses ko na bang nasabi na kahit kelan hindi maganda ang nasasanay. Sabi lang ng sabi, hindi naman ginagawa. Sakit na nga siguro. Sumasabay pa sa init na dala ng summer, buti na lang wala ako sa elbi. Parang impyerno siguro don, hyper init. Pano naman dun nakatapat ang butas ng ozone layer. Pero kelangang tanggapin na sooner ay kelangan kong bumalik. Marami pa kong kelangan ayusin, mga bagay na kelangan ko para tuluyang makapasok sa labas.

Matagal na kong sumasabay sa agos ng ilog ng edukasyon. Inip na inip pa ko dati na makarating sa dulo. Mabato ang daan, may nga oras pa na muntik na kong malunod, salamat sa  mga nagkaroon ng awa na hilahin ako mula sa ilalim ng nagwawalang agos na hindi ko namalayang lumamon na pala sa buong pagkatao ko. Mahirap ang paglalakbay, buti hindi ako nagiisa. Hindi mo mapapansin ang mga batong masakit makauntog o ang mga kung anu-anong maari mong ikamatay pag may mga kasabay kang tutulong sayo dahil alam nila ang pakiramdam. Makailang beses ko rin ginustong umahon at manatili sa ginhawa ng pampang pero sa hindi maipaliwanag na dahilan, tinuloy tuloy ko.

Hanggang sa narating ko nga ang pinananabikang dulo. Mukang tanga ang sasabihin ko pero, hindi magiging ganoon kasaya ang pagdating sa dulo kung hindi ko babalikan ng tanaw yung mga dinaanan ko na sa mga oras na yon ay parang kaya kong ipagpalit lahat ng nakahain sa harapan ko para lang bumalik sa mga paghihirap na yon. Yung matagal kong inasam at pianghirapang marating ay hindi naman pala ganoon kagarbo. Masaya ako oo, pero pagtapos ng graduation rites gustong gusto kong maglupasay at mag-iiyak.

Ang inakala ong dulo ay panibagong simula pala. Simula ng mas malawak na karagatan na kelangan ko nanamang languyin. Hindi lang mga bato ang kalaban ko pag lumusong nako dun. Mga buhay na mas malalaki pa sakin, mas malaki pa sa nakasalamuha ko sa ilog. Natatakot akong malamon nila ng buhay, natatakot akong malunod dahil hindi ako basta basta makakakapit sa dalampasigan, mas mahabang languyan bago makarating sa ginhawa ng lupa, natatakot din akong baka hindi ko makaya. Sapat na ba ang dinanas ko sa halos dalawampung taon sa paaralan? Pero hindi ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan. Mas gusto kong mawala nang sumubok kesa mabuhay ng matagal pero wala namang nakatanda.

Sa ngayon ay isa isa kong pinapanood ang mga nakasabay ko na tinatangay ng agos papunta sa malawak na bagong mundo. Kanya kanya sila ng dahilan. Nakakapit pa rin ako sa matibay na lupa sa pagitan ng kinasanayan ko at ng bagong mundo, hindi ako nagmamadaling bumitaw dahil ang katumbas nuon ay pagkalunod. May mga panahong kaakit ankit ang bughaw na kalawakan na naghihintay saken, mga bagong bagay na pwede ko nang gawin. Tinatantsa ko ang lalim at temperatura bago ako tuluyang magpatangay. Nagising na lang ako na hindi na ganoon kahigpit ang kapit sa lupa pero hindi pa rin handang bumitaw. Hindi ako naiinip, hindi ako nagmamadali dahil alam kong darating din ang pagpapalaya sa akin ng takot at magiging handa rin akong lumangoy sa malawak na dagat. Maaaring hindi bukas pero malapit na.